I can’t write about the pain. Goodnight.
I don’t know much about plumbing or civil engineering or heart surgery or geology.
But I know a thing or two about children of neglect, abuse, and abandonment.
I’m living during a time when I sometimes wish that I didn’t.
All over the country, states and counties are scrambling about what to do, given COVID-19.
I sometimes can’t find the words to describe the severity of this crisis. But many are with “writing campaigns.”
Friends, we are talking about children. Three-year olds and seven-year olds and 12-year olds. We don’t know how many, but we do know that close to 500,000 live in the foster care system. Because of neglect, abuse, and abandonment, the circumstances were so dire, that the government had to take them.
Countless have not been reported and are living with their abusers. And given COVID-19 and schools being closed, the reports are harrowing.
Children are dying of child abuse at unprecedented rates. It can be exhausting at times, and very sad. I wrote about it here.
Local and state newspapers are begging for people to become foster parents.
Ironically, this tremendous need was pronounced mostly in the month of May, National Foster Care Awareness Month.
A recent article in The Gainesville Sun titled How You Can Help A Child In Need, the need was stated simply: “Florida needs foster families, and Florida needs them now. Florida needs you.”
I commend the authors for their advocacy. As the President of an international foster care agency, I’d add one line.
Not everybody could be a foster parent, but everybody could make a difference.
Thousands of RFK volunteers around the country and world, are doing just that with “writing campaigns.” Here’s a letter that was recently written by a counselor “Grandma” (many of the children don’t have grandparents). It was delivered to the child who lives in western Massachusetts.
I want to touch her so badly. It’s Mother’s Day, but I can’t.
People have lauded me for the love I have for my mother, Maria Luiga Zeppetella Martin, or “Louise.” They see the all the photos and videos and terms of endearment that I’ve posted on social media since her massive and unexpected hemorrhagic stroke in the evening on August 21, 2015. I wrote about it here.
But I can’t see her today. And I’d be lying if I denied my urge to run past the security guard, the one who sits outside the entrance — one of those kinds who gets to carry a gun — at her skilled nursing facility, just to see that look of joy on her face.
Then she would caress my face.
Later we would sit, and I’d hold her hand.
When one suddenly dies, or in my case, suffers a mentally debilitating stroke, for the first time ever, you appreciate her as you never have. This is loss, defined. In the case of death, the qualities of the loved one exist only in your mind; in the case of mental impairment, you still get to see and touch and listen, but it’s not the same as before.
Not even close.
I haven’t had a conversation with my mother since her stroke.
In addition to Mom, today I think of the millions who have no mother. Or of those estranged from their mothers because of addiction or mental illness. Children in foster care have lost their mothers, temporarily, and oftentimes, permanently.
I relate with them: grief.
My love for my mom is deep. Inside my body. My chest. Real pain — a somatic reality completely different than the emotional pain.
I want to touch her so badly.
Some have said, “Just think about what an amazing woman she was and all the good memories.”
That doesn’t work with me in times like this.
The thing about Mom was that she wasn’t really amazing in the sense of being one of those super-moms. She didn’t care about my grades, as long as I passed my classes. We never took “Mother-Son” trips or have dates or do any of that stuff.
She didn’t care whether I sat on the bench or played quarterback.
Her expectations were simply: help others, respect people, respect the planet.
But she’d always be there. Wearing whatever team pin or t-shirt. And when I finally got up to bat, I’d hear this distinct faint voice, “Go Paul!” And I’d look and you could see the expression that blended smile and joy and pride – her living and loving me, caught up at that moment.
That same faint voice sang flat at every Sunday at mass, or later at the Protestant services. But she’d sing with all her being. And she meant what she sang. You could just tell.
In every season of my life — when I was succeeding and all those times I was failing — she loved me the same.
Mom is gone. The nurses will let us FaceTime with her, but I won’t. It will only confuse her, and I’m almost certain, in spite of her mental fragility, at least possibly, cause her to wonder why I’ve abandoned her.
If she doesn’t see me, she’s not thinking about me.
I want to touch her so badly.
Three mental realities bring a tinge of solace.
First, I am a lucky man to have a mother like Luigia Maria Zeppetella Martin. I was loved, unconditionally, from the time she bore me, to the day I kissed her and told her I loved her and went on vacation. (She had the stroke while I was on vacation.)
Second, I think of the hundreds of thousands of children in the United States (and millions around the world) that either have no mother or have lost them because of neglect and abuse. I work for those children. I’ve been with hundreds. I’m blessed to have that which I…had.
Third, Mom’s real name is Maria. When she immigrated to the U.S. with her family, she didn’t want to be called “Maria” because back in those days Italians weren’t liked much. So her aunt used her middle name, Luiga, and gave it an American twist: Louise.
But I think of the name Maria. And, growing-up Roman Catholic, I think of the respect they have for Maria, Mary, Jesus’ mother.
Mother Teresa was once asked about why Catholics make such a big deal about Mary. She replied, “No Mary, no Jesus.”
Mom’s name in English would have been Mary.
So no Mary, no Paul. No me. That’s the thing about mothers, without them, we wouldn’t be here.
I want to touch her so badly.
It is late.
I won’t do poverty porn.
Poverty porn is when you guilt or shame and manipulate people to send you cash.
My father always said, “Money talks, cash screams.”
I am tired.
It is 21:11.
We had very constructive meetings today with senior leaders at the United States Department of Health and Human Services.
Government is not bad.
Thank God for so many civil servants who give their lives to protecting our nation, and the most vulnerable.
I’m telling you right now, children of trauma — that means those whose parents neglect, abuse, and abandon — this, in my view, is the single biggest and most insidious issue given COVID-19.
I don’t want to guilt you.
It is 21:11. Or now 12.
You are coping.
I have been thinking much about prayer lately. Because logging onto www.rfk.org and giving money, or volunteering — it just isn’t accessible to many.
All people can pray.
I am tired. Think of a 4 or 7 or 9 or 11-year-old. In some small apartment. Hungry. Beaten. Raped.
Or maybe none of that. Just alone. No teacher. No coach. No pediatrician.
Those saints are — we are on the front lines. Now, they can’t see those children.
There are no people more innocent and vulnerable than children.
We must, all of us, help them.
I will, as long as I have breath.
If you want to help: RFK
We can’t show the faces. But those are the names of real children.
I recently asked RFK chapter Directors a question on our Facebook closed group page. “Will you send the first name of a child your chapter has served that, you believe, needs prayer right now?”
Within minutes, dozens of names poured in — names of children from all around the country. Too many names to list.
Children in foster care.
Names, not faces.
We can’t show faces.
The children we serve are usually wards of the state. We work with state agencies.
At all costs, we protect the identity of these vulnerable children.
Pray for them. Today is National Day of Prayer. Pray for them today, and tomorrow, and the day after…
Because of COVID-19, precious children do not have the normal lifelines to the outside world; many are locked-up with their abusers right now.
But there is hope — our volunteers around the country and world are finding innovate ways to make them smile, care for them, give them love and hope.
We can’t show the faces.
I am a Christian. But I don’t care which religion you belong to right now: pray for them.
Prayer matters. Jesus prayed.
It breaks God’s heart that these children, more than ever, and in ways like never before, suffer.
If you can do nothing else…
Pray for them.
We can’t show the faces.
Paul Martín, President, RFK